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I clutched Rachel's door for support. I had no idea what was going on; all I knew was that every part of me was painful.
'Rach'' I began, not sure how to continue.
'What?' she snapped disapprovingly, looking at me over the top of her glasses.
''I don't know,' I admitted.
'Cat, if you don't tell me what's up, I can't help you.'
This was true enough. I lay on her bed and passed her my journal.
'What is it, then?' Rachel asked.
'Read,' I demanded.
She probably read it; I don't really know. I just lay there, the voices in my head screaming and my body shaking with the effort of trying to keep all of it inside. After a while, she spoke calmly.
'You should call Darren.'
'I don't have any credit or any money,' I lied. What would I say? I couldn't look after him. I couldn't even look after myself. I guess I knew what he'd done.
I remember very clearly the day he told me. We were in my kitchen and I had just handed him a glass of water.
'There's something you need to know. I've never told anyone before,' Darren began ominously. At the time I was just playing him, on the rebound from a particularly annoying ex. I didn't want to know his secret, but he carried on, 'Last year, I had a lot of trouble. With drugs.'
I looked at him silently.
'Cocaine,' he elaborated. 'I'm fine now, but I had a huge problem back then.'
Again, I said nothing. What could I say?
'I didn't go to rehab because I didn't want anyone to know. I just went to the doctor and he gave me a bunch of leaflets. I promise you, I'm okay now. I just went off the rails a little. I don't care if this all goes wrong between me and you. I just think you ought to know. I love you.'
'I know,' I reassured him, quietly.
'What's the matter?' he asked. 'Do you mind that much?'
I didn't mind at all, but what can you say in that situation?
'No. You're fine now. That's what matters,' I said with a soft smile.
'I just get the feeling you're going to tell me you take heroin now,' he said with a nervous laugh, which I reciprocated. Well, I was hardly going to say, 'No, Darren, meth' was I?
Two months down the line and I wished I'd told him. I opened the fifth text:
'Oh, God, Cat, I can't stand up, I can't go home, I don't think this is going to end well, I've been drinking, I've found a pub, I'm going to stay the night here, I might, no, no I promise I'll tell you in the morning. X.'
The commas confirmed it. So out of character; he was a man out of control, incapable of stopping. I felt so stupid. The guilt was horrible, because all I could think of right now was going to see Lauz- that's where the drugs were.
Rachel was talking to me, handing me money for the 'phone box, giving me chocolate, telling me to calm down. I came back to reality, briefly.
'No,' I lied, 'I can't call him, I'm going home to get some rest.'
She looked at me with suspicion but there was nothing she could do. I left her flat and moved upstairs. I was still shaking, and I used the grotty handrail to drag myself up the stairs. For a minute or so I just sat outside, then I knocked on the door. Within seconds, Lauz's face appeared in the crack of the slightly-open door.
'Come in,' she said, eying me carefully.
She's a good girl, Lauz. Eighteen, ambitious. She gets me drugs at low prices, because she's not in it for a profit. I'm glad about that now; she probably saved mine and Darren's lives that night.
'I take it you want Ice,' she cut to the chase.
I nodded, 'Tenner alright?'
She shook her head, 'You're not getting anything from me. What's up?'
Frustrated, but with nowhere else to be, I told her. 'Darren's on the coke again. I don't know what to do. I can't do anything. I can't even help myself.'
'You're not going to call him?'
I laughed.
'Look at me! I'd make everything worse.'
She smiled.
'You're right, actually.'
Lauz talked to me. She's watched people die and she told me I was going to have to be strong for him. She talked for probably half an hour and gradually I stopped shaking. As if in a dream, I followed her as she led me downstairs to my flat. She picked up a CD from the side.
'What's this?'
'Darren bought it for me. It reminds him of me.'
She pushed it into the machine, hit play, and walked to the door.
'Get some rest,' she advised, before leaving.
I felt the hard plastic of my mobile in my pocket. Zombie-like, I punched in a familiar number. As I heard the 'Hello?' on the other end, I opened my mouth to speak.
'I love you.'
Those were the three most important words I ever said.