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'As you are all aware, until very recently, the earth was being ravaged by giant carnivorous slugs. These were created by the Russian scientist Ludvig Titov who is widely acknowledged to be insane. The slugs were exposed to a new and dangerous form of radiation known as Calicto. Whether this was done accidentally or not, we do not know, but one thing is certain: the consequences were disastrous. Many of us who are here today will have experienced this first-hand, with over a hundred million people dead worldwide as a result of the mutations. Doubtless we would all be dead now, if it wasn't for Carlos Brody.' There was a tumultuous round of applause and Carlos bowed and pretended to blush. If only his mother could see him now; her son standing before representatives of the entire world. He could imagine her proud face as the Queen of England herself presented him with a medal... oh if only she was still alive.
'Carlos realized that Calicto radiation could be eradicated by another form of radiation which he has branded: 'Brody radiation'. This was harmless to humans and existed alongside normal radiation in the sun in small quantities, but there wasn't enough of it. Brody used his brilliant mind to devise a means of increasing this amount: he realized that Brody radiation expanded when it came into contact with hydrogen, so he used government funding to build a rocket, fill it with hydrogen in liquid form and fire it at the sun. And it was a success! Just when everyone had begun to give up hope, the giant slugs began to disintegrate. Everywhere on earth, save the North Pole, had become slug-free. The combination of the cold weather and ice somehow protects the slugs at the North Pole, but as the sun will continue transmitting huge amounts of Brody radiation for another ten billion years, we have nothing to worry about. The slugs will die if they stray far from the North Pole's protection, and they know it. The world is safe, and for this reason, we have come together to collectively thank Carlos Brody. It seemed fitting for the queen of his own country to present his medal, so...' There was more deafening clapping, and Queen Elizabeth II rose from her seat. She strode magnificently onto the beautiful mahogany platform and pinned a handsome gold medal on to Carlos's jacket. He thanked her breathlessly.
Strictly speaking, he had destroyed the slugs for entirely financial reasons, but all these people needn't know that. As far as they were concerned, he was Carlos Brody: Saviour of the World. He stepped off the stage to more applause and sat down in between Gordon Brown and the King of Spain. They rose from their chairs as he approached, saluted him, and only sat down when he was seated. Other people got up onto the platform to speak: people who had lost family members to the slugs, others who had nearly died... Carlos was only half listening. He had enjoyed receiving a medal from the queen, but the most important thing to him was the money. Not only had he been given the equivalent of five billion pounds from countries all over the world in countless different currencies, but he had also received many informal gifts of money which amounted to almost a billion pounds. That was nearly six billion pounds! All Carlos wanted to do now was to go and spend some of that money. He laid his head back against the chair and imagined what he could buy. He would have a custom-built mansion made, and he would buy a Ferrari. No. He would buy six Ferraris. They could all be different colours for whatever mood he was in. Yellow would be cheerful... but of course: he would always drive yellow because he would always be cheerful with all of this cash. He closed his eyes and dreamed sweet dreams...
To be continued...