The Death Card - Part Two
Last week I told you how my first experience of heart palpitations coincided with the discovery of an Ace of Spades stuck to the sole of my shoe. As I said then, I'm not one for superstition but I do wonder if my luck is running out.
In the days since that spooky incident, friends and colleagues have offered their expert advice. Not a single one of them, it has to be said, has a medical qualification of any kind, but they have plenty of theories. The most popular concern my decision to quit alcohol last October as part of Â鶹¹ÙÍøÊ×Ò³Èë¿Ú Radio Scotland's Under the Influence campaign..
"It was probably preserving you," said one well-wisher, "you know, like the way vinegar does for gherkins."
A psuedo scientific version of this theory has it that the booze was thinning my blood and now my veins are probably coursing with a substance resembling concentrated tomato puree.
"Just have one glass of red wine each night, " said another friend, "and then we'll have the old Jeff back. We miss him."
"The old Jeff?" I asked, "what, you think I came into work sozzled every morning?"
"No...but you weren't so....tense."
Well I'd like to see him stay relaxed when the Grim Reaper starts posting mail to his footwear.
So, anyway, I went to the doctor and was expecting a row about being a tad overweight. Six stones equals one tad in the new metric system. In mitigation I told her about my having stopped boozing, that I had never smoked and that I'd even bought an excercise bike. Pathetic, really.
She didn't even bother with the stethoscope. I was sent off for a batch of tests which involved having my chest, arms and ankles shaved so that they could connect those little sensors to an ECG machine. Then they checked my blood pressure and decided I had more than my fair share so they siphoned some of it into test tubes and sent it off to "the lab". It's like CSI Inverness.
I have to go back at least once a week, for "monitoring" which has meant cancelling a few things. That includes my planned appearance at the . Sorry guys!
In the meantime I've hit on another way to test whether or not my luck is running out.
As chance would have it, I spotted one of those lottery scratchcards themed around the - wait for it - Ace of Spades.
I'm going to scratch it on Friday just before I go back to the doc for my results. If I don't win the eight grand then I'll know I'm doomed.
Well, it's a theory.
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