Paper Monitor
11:37 UK time, Monday, 20 October 2008
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Here on Paper Monitor we really believe in a right to privacy. So here is the redtop celebrity news, without the names of the protagonists.
On the Sun, the front page carries the latest divorce news about the American singer with the sticky-out veins on her arms and the posh boy.
On page three it is suggested that the angelic former bassist of a popular beat combo is moving in with his "new love". Further inside there's some tittle tattle about the slightly crinkly rock star who is accused of stepping out with a rather young Russian lady.
And then it's on to the Bizarre column, where the main story is that the very Northern Irish one out of the five-piece band where the girls all wear slightly too much makeup is going to buy a hotel in Hollywood.
The Daily Mirror says that the one with the veiny forearms is to stay in Britain. Its page three contains going out tips from the TopShop designer who also does a bit of modelling, which it shamelessly culls from yesterday's Sunday Times. Further in, there are pictures of the tiny Australian one who never looks 40 on a date in Paris. Her companion is French, and male, but not *that* French male.
Then it's on to the 3am gossip pages, and the main story is about the one with the two-tone hair from the cloying American sitcom about affable acquaintances. On page 25, there's a picture of the movie star who believes that Thetans inhabit your body, with his cute daughter. A couple of pages on, there's a picture of the actress who used to be a teenage singer, then spent time in pubs with a ginger man, and now seems to be both pregnant and into tracksuits.
And it's over to the Daily Star. The front page carries a big picture of the permatanned Liverpudlian girl who used to be in a soap. She is not wearing any clothes. On page three, there's a story about the man who sometimes dresses a bit like a woman and has big lips. Apparently there's something wrong with his lips.
The same page has a story about a TV chef who wants us to stop eating so many chips. He's been swearing too much. The Welsh opera singer who isn't fat and who is blonde is off to the United States, and the Mancunian rocker who looks like Parker out of the Thunderbirds is in trouble for criticising Barnsley.
And that's your lot.
The 
