Sketchup: The week in insults
The last Prime Minister's Questions before the election and the launch of the campaign has given Fleet Street's sketch-writers plenty of opportunities for less-than-respectful descriptions of those involved. Here is a selection.
At one Labour press conference, Lord Mandelson's approach with Alistair Darling's:
"Peter was at his most cartoon baddie-ish, slicing the ears off Labour opponents while rotating his spectacles in the air."
"Alistair Darling gave the sort of smile we used to see from Sergeant Wilson in Dad's Army when hoping to show the men some tepid encouragement."
At the Tories' campaign launch, of David Cameron's image:
"And there he was with his fragrant wife and a Bryan Ferry flick of hair on his noble brow."
Mr Carr likewise doesn't hold back in his description of the Conservative Party's supporters who were with Mr Cameron on London's South Bank:
"Girls in pumps. Young men with gel in their hair (was it gel? They are Tories, remember). They came streaming out of County Hall and surrounded an empty platform. They arranged their faces. They limbered up. They were the doughnut waiting for their hole to be filled."
for the events organised by the Conservatives and by the Liberal Democrats:
"Dave launched early, as he couldn't wait for Gordo to get back from the Palace. The Queen will not be amused. Still, Nick Clegg had launched even earlier, talking to some shadowy people in what appeared to be his bedroom."
an awkward moment in Nick Clegg's launch speech:
"Mr Clegg spoke of 'the real choice' in this election, but then paused, leading some of us to worry that he had forgotten what the real choice is, or else fears that it lies between Mr Brown and Mr Cameron."
At the last PMQs of this Parliament, the questions posed by Labour MPs were more dutiful than usual:
"Almost every Labour MP who spoke had been prompted to ask a question that went something like this: 'Is it true, oh wonderful master, that you have created a land of milk and honey?'"Mr Brown, preening, would turn around and admit that, yes, actually it was true."
the mood of the government backbenchers as less than cheerful:
"Labour MPs seemed downbeat, even morose. Like airline passengers whose firm is saving costs, they are terrified of having to turn right at the door instead of left - to the back of the plane or the dreaded opposition benches. The shame, the humiliation, after 13 years!"
He contrasts this with those on the other side of the chamber, whose enthusiasm he describes as repetitive:
"Tories shouted 'bye-bye'. They liked the sound of that, so they shouted it again. Then they yelled 'bye-bye' at any Labour member with a marginal seat. They ended up sounding like an umpire standing near a short-sighted wicketkeeper."
Despite this difference between the two main parties, Mr Hoggart says they do share some characteristics:
"Both parties resemble shipwrecked sailors, adrift in an open boat, arguing about which cabin boy to eat first."
Mr Hoggart says the brighter mood of Tory MPs was shared further along the opposition benches among the Liberal Democrats:
"Nick Clegg rose to an unfamiliar sound: loud cheers behind him."
of MPs' behaviour on all sides of the House:
"It sets the standard, doesn't it? It establishes the tone. Somewhat below Corinthian, somewhat above the noise that pot-bellied pigs make when trying to get other pot-bellied pigs into the rutting position."
At one Labour party event by Alistair Darling's appearance:
"Alistair Darling was there at his side, glowing weirdly. The man now has fibre optic hair. It is of a colour only dogs can see."
He also renames the Tories' national service proposals:
"He [Michael Caine] was helping the Tories - in a completely non-political way, it was made clear - to let a little sunshine in on their idea for a National Citizens Service, aka Canoeing in the Community."
