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The Hollywood gossip columns made a big deal about this year's double whammy of Mars-related pictures. Spring's "Mission To Mars" won the release battle but soon faltered, partly due to being one of the dullest spectacle movies for years. So is "Red Planet" any better? Er, you've got to be joking.
Earth is ruined and the only way out is the habitation of Mars. So following various biological experiments on the planet's surface, a team is dispatched. A motley crew of cowards, babes, philosophers, and studs, they soon find themselves in trouble and before long, the boys are stuck on the ground and Commander Bowman (Moss) is spending most of her time in a skintight singlet trying to mend the spaceship.
But the problem is, you just don't care. Any potentially engaging scenes are utterly botched by director Antony Hoffman and quite frankly, it would be more emotionally involving to watch a spin cycle on your washing machine.
Despite looking good (obviously the money was spent on effects rather than decent writers), the cast are stuck with a dead-end script and a boring plot, which means that even gifted actors like Tom Sizemore and newcomer Simon Barry struggle to wring any kind of suspense out of the material. Kilmer meanwhile, as resident hero Robby Gallagher, is patently there for the dosh and craft services.
Perhaps the only positive thing is Moss, who manages to be both intelligent and sexy - let's hope she forgets to put this one on her CV.
Otherwise, the only thing that "Red Planet" succeeds in doing is being the one film in recent memory that you actually forget while you are in the cinema.
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