Dozed off in Part One? Couldn't hold your bladder through Part Two? Never got around to reading those brick-sized volumes by JRR Whatshisname? If you're a little lost about what's going on in The Lord Of The Rings, the following guide is for you. Be warned though, there are MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD.
The Pressed-For-Time All-Purpose Hobbit-Sized Plot Synopsis
A small but brave hobbit named Frodo (Elijah Wood) has to chuck an all-powerful ring into the fires of Mount Doom then peg it to safety in order to save the world. The End.
The Spoiler-Heavy, Extended Edition Plot Synopsis
Hobbit Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood) has received an all-powerful ring from his Uncle Bilbo (Ian Holm). It sounds like a nice little pressie, except he's no sooner been given it than wise old wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen) turns up to warn him that unless the ring is destroyed in the fires where it was made, the whole of Middle-earth will be plunged into chaos by evil Ring Master Sauron.
Setting out with a fellowship of humans, dwarves, hobbits and elves, Frodo journeys across Middle-earth to Mordor. Battles and betrayals take their toll on the group, eventually leaving Frodo and his best friend Sam (Sean Astin) alone in enemy territory. Their guide is Gollum, a hobbit who was once the bearer of the Ring but was transformed by its awesome power into a wrinkly, schizophrenic creature. Will Frodo and Sam manage to make it to Mount Doom and destroy the ring? Or will Gollum - and his new arachnid lady friend, Shelob - hatch a plan to stop them?
Meanwhile, the remaining members of the fellowship have their own problems to face. After discovering that the forces of turncoat wizard Saruman have joined with Sauron, the fellowship stage a last ditch stand at the fortress of Helm's Deep. They win the battle, but quickly realise that the war is far from over. It seems the only thing that can save them all is the return of the king.
So who is this absent monarch and where's he been hiding all this time?
Funnily enough, the man who would be king is the fellowship's leader, Strider-Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen). Only problem is, he's a bit shy about taking the throne. Partly that's because he's nervous about assuming responsibility. But it's also because his love life's up the spout with both Arwen (Liv Tyler) and Eowyn (Miranda Otto) clambering for his attention. Decisions, decisions...
With an epic battle at Minas Tirith set to make Helm's Deep look a pub brawl, some monstrous new transport (known as The Fell Beasts) for the wraiths, and a cast of new characters keeping the production's catering team working 24/7, there's one thing for certain: the final instalment of The Lord Of The Rings is going to be bigger, better and longer than anything you've ever seen before. And that's before Jackson releases the six hour* DVD edition in 2004.
In fact the only thing that remains to be seen is whether or not Jackson gets the Best Director award he deserves. With over a billion dollars in the bank already, we'd say it's a shoo-in.
* We're kidding. Or at least, we think we are.
