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Unquiet spirits communicate from beyond the grave in Messages, a truly awful Brit-horror that's possibly one of the worst films you'll see in this life, or the next. American pathologist Richard Murray (Jeff Fahey) is our hero, an alcoholic widower receiving cryptic messages from his dead wife. Meanwhile, a serial killer called "The Optician" is stalking the sleepy English village where he lives, cutting out the eyeballs of young girls. If only the filmmakers had suffered similar fates...

Haunted by the death of his wife and his sudden implication in the serial killings, Fahey's haggard face conveys a certain kind of uneasy dread. Ten minutes into this mess, though, you can safely conclude that it's got less to do with vengeful spirits and more to do with his realisation that he needs to find a new agent. His C-list co-stars don't have much to smile about either: Kim Thomson (Judge John Deed) is forced to play a redheaded, pothead police profiler, Martin Kove (Crocodile II: Death Swamp) is an LA cop sent to solve the slayings. Single-celled organisms have experienced more character development than these guys.

"A CATALOGUE OF HORROR CINEMA CRIMES"

Messages is such a catalogue of crimes against horror cinema, it's hard to know where to begin. There's the tinkling piano score (oooh, creepy), the terrible lighting (every scene looks like it was shot underwater in a dark swimming pool), or the dreadful plot. Screenwriter Wayne Kinsey is apparently a consultant pathologist with the NHS and a Hammer horror expert to boot. Yet neither talent's on display here. It's horror for halfwits; forget straight to DVD, put it straight in the bin.

Messages is released in UK cinemas on Friday 15th June 2007.