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I did not live through the second world war physically, but it affected my life and the way I have led my life, through the way it affected my mother.

I was born in 1954, six years after my sister. My mother was relatively well when she had my sister, but my birth was the harbinger of terrible illness. My mother was so ill that I was looked after by nurses for the first two months of my life. apparently if you miss out on this first mother-child bonding you never make it up, and it does seem that I am a wanderer by nature, with little need of security. I never felt part of the family.

My mother was labelled a manic depressive schizophrenic, or so I was told by my father. I did not see much of her, as she was agrophobic and I was out all the time. I did all the wandering for her. I hated her because my father hated her, and I did not understand life.

I did not find out who my mother was until I became ill in the same way, except now we have better understanding and drugs for depression and mania. I found out that she was bombed everyday in London in the Blitz. I remember her telling me about running down the streets from the strafing, enemy pilots using up spare ammmunition before heading home, But she had not told me that she was buried by the bombing up to the neck, helpless. She waited for 24 hours before being rescued. She never recovered from this. It is a wonder she ever had children at all.

I remember my father telling her how stupid she was, like I felt. I dropped out of school at 16. I had to go to university and get a PhD before I realised I was not stupid at all, just a bit dyslexic.

I grew up embarrassed by my 'mad' mother, but now I am so proud of her.

Wars do not just maim and kill, they scar our minds. I will never be rid of the effects of that war on me. It has formed me, the way I think, the way I live. I can only look at my children,and my small grand-daughter, see how happy they are, to see how my life might have been.

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