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It must have been the moment everyone dreaded...the knock on the door...the peaked cap...the telegram.
It was the end of March 1945, just a short time before the end of the war in Europe. My mother took the telegram into the scullery, the only source of natural light in the tiny living area in our rented rooms. She kept her back to me so I would not see her tears. I must have asked what was wrong, because she said (and although I was only just coming up to six years old at the time, I really do still remember the words, sixty years on): "Daddy's missing....go out to play..."

Of course I did. I wanted to tell my friends.

The trauma and significance of that dreadful message was not understood by me for a long time, but obviously it had deep and immediate impact on my mother. Years later, one of my father's sisters, Debbie, gave me two well-folded and very worn letters which my mother had written some weeks after that fateful day. They were addressed to my Uncle Lou, the oldest of all the Goldstein boys, and with whom my mother was very close. The first is dated Sunday 10 June (1945). Half of one of the three pages is missing, but the sense of the desperate hope still comes through. This is what it says:

"Dear Lou,
I am slipping this note to you in Dad's letter, as I feel I must tell you that there is now a little hope for Jack's safety.
I received a letter from Mrs Smith (the children, you remember, were billeted with her). She has a brother, a Ft/S, who is now stationed at Kermington and knows Jack. [Kermington was the airbase where my father was stationed in the last months of the war]. Mrs Smith tells me that her brother has had 'secondhand' information that Jack is OK and is now back in this country since last Tues. from a P.O.W. camp.
So far I have had no official confirming this, but I went up to the Air Ministry on Friday, had an interview with a Flying Officer there and was told that only one.......[missing half-page]......plane. This is all I know at present, but I'm trying to contact Mrs Smith's brother at Kirmington and find out a little more.
If you have any spare time, write to the Air Ministry (Casualty Branch) 73-77 Oxford St W.1, and perhaps you can find out a little more about things.
Cheerio! then for now, hoping this finds you well,
all the best
Sadie"

The second letter was sent a few days later, on Tuesday 19 June 1945. It is less complete than the first one, but the messages are clear:

"Dear Lou,
I don't know whether you are still in England, but I hope you will eventually get this letter, so here goes.
On my visit to the Air Ministry yesterday, I learnt that all the crew, except Jack are now back in England and according to the P/O and W.O.P. Jack was killed by German ack-ack ground fire while baling out. The plane was hit and caught fire before even reaching the target and the crew eventually all met in the same P.O.W. camp in Germany, nothing was seen or heard of Jack while they were there.
I feel deep down inside me, that Jack is somewhere in hospital over there and I am still hoping and praying he is......
I have....the children....yet, in fact...
You...only one in....who has really...helpful during.....anxious period...I give you my heartfelt thanks and deepest gratitude.
Jack will always be alive in my heart and I'm sure in yours. Here's wishing you all the very best for the future....
....sincerely,
...."

There must have been countless thousands of families in this state; still praying; clinging on to hope of some mistake, some miracle.... I grew up with such secret hope, believing that one day my Dad would knock on the door again....

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