鈥淩ight lads, a last few words. What I want is 100 % performance. 100% nothing less. What is it Waggy?鈥 Waggy's my best striker. For that I forgive him his stupidity, his 80K a week and bonuses, his stupidity, his late tackles on me in training, his stupidity, his modelling contract. By the way did I mention his single brain cell.
鈥淚've been thinking.鈥 Groans all round especially from under the massage table. Whose under the massage table? Before I can investigate. 鈥淚 don't think 100%'s enough Topman. Stephen G. tells me that Raffa asks for 200% and a Chuckle Brother told me that Sir Alex demands 210 %. So if you only want 110% we're gonna lose. Stands to reason.鈥
鈥淟isten Waggy, my beautiful striker that's gonna get me 20 goals this season, they are winding鈥︹
I'm interrupted by a cough, not a nervous cough but a clear your throat cough which always heralds a contribution from Mother Teresa. 鈥淲hat is it this time, Mother?鈥
鈥淚 know what you're going to say Topman but on this occasion Waggy's got a point. Lampers is always looking for the next pass even when he hasn't got the ball and he's closing down players, that's two things at once instead of just one, that's 200 per cent performance that is.鈥
What is it about Mother? Always chipping in. Sees good everywhere. That's why we call him Mother, short for Mother Teresa not that we say Mother Teresa to his neck. Six foot eight of muscle. I can't stand the unctuous prat. What I know and they don't is that Mother is after a job with the PFA, the footballers' trade union, when he packs in this year. He can pick up 拢500k a year, no sweat, just by visiting the training ground and stirring it. Still no time to put him down, there's a team talk to be finished before kick off.
鈥淧oint taken. Mother. Let's go over it again. Not 100%. Not 200%. What I want is a 300 % from you Waggy. Three jobs. First I want you to kick off, right? Then you're playing up front right , 鈥nd three you're holding the line.鈥
鈥淟ine dancing again, Waggy, Yee Haw鈥 I now know who's under the massage table. I give Front Page a sly kick. Waggy as usual rises like a trout and misses the fly. 鈥淣ah Front Page, hard core garage, me.鈥 Another sly but harder kick silences Front Page but not the rest.
鈥淥K Lads Shut it. What I want most is pride in the jersey you're wearing.鈥
鈥 鈥楽cuse again Topman.鈥
鈥淣o Front Page. No. Just listen up OK? What I want is a fierce burning pride in this jersey.鈥
鈥淪ay Hey Topdude鈥
This time it's Fried Chicken. What is it with these guys interrupting? On match day it's usually focus, focus, focus. Don't be worrying about all these nicknames, footballers get them with their first pair of boots. You can work most of them out yourselves. Well most people can. Did I hint earlier that Waggy might have special needs? Anyhow his name is Wagstaffe and when he was interviewed on Football Focus, Garth Crooks asks him why he's called Waggy and he says 鈥淓ee I don't know, never thought about it鈥 Set up again, everybody's at it. Back to business, I've gotta crack on, still time to come across cool though.
鈥淔ried Chicken, which part of no, say hey nonny no, do you not understand? Now what I want is a pride that burns so fiercely鈥.鈥
Blow me now, isn't there a kerfuffle outside and then the door slams open and the wood work trembles. I turn, this time snarling.
鈥淣ow what the鈥 oh Chairman, come in.鈥
Allow me to introduce billionaire Major Bellamy. Made his money in scrap. In fact he's making more money now than ever; what with all the kids nicking the manhole covers. Once upon a time all chairmen were local lads made good, now it's all Yanks and Russians, but not here. Trouble is he thinks' he knows a bit about football but if you've watched United for seventy years you know sweet FA. Still he pays well and spends well. And he did promise no interference in the dressing room.
鈥淛ust popped in lads. Right Topman? You know what today's all about don't you Topman?鈥
鈥淒o I? Do I? Chairman.鈥 Best to humour chairmen I always think. 鈥淚've had Saturday afternoon in my blood since I was knee high to a corner flag. When Saturday comes, I'm there where I've always been, in the dressing room rallying the troops.鈥
鈥淚 know that Topman, we know that, but鈥︹
So much for promises, we're only four games into the season, this is only our second home game.
鈥渁nd it's a big but鈥︹
Oh no, he's gonna issue the team instructions.
鈥溾e're not playing 鈥榯il Sunday.鈥
Sunday? What's the old fool talking about. Then it hits me. Sunday. The game's on sodding Sunday. I look around, the room's swimming, the players are grinning in and out of focus, Tommo my No. 2 has got his head down, why the hell didn't he鈥 that explains a lot, the wife, the car park attendant, the stadium tour guide, the players, every sodding person I've met today, the lack of noise, even down here in the bowels of Home Park. I thought it was just because we're playing Bolton . I've got to act quick, restore my credibility.
鈥淚 know that, I know that鈥've just got the lads 鈥itted out 鈥ere in the dressing room鈥. practising visualisation..for tomorrow.鈥 The Chairman was looking hard at me, sizing me up. 鈥淕et it right in your mind the day before, sleep on it, then next day repeat it on the pitch. A technique I picked up in Holland .鈥
He doesn't believe me of course or does he? Nobody in their right mind would believe me. But he relaxes and smiles.
鈥淕ood鈥 then visualise six points, Bolton 's a six pointer.鈥 Almost as bad. Talking about six pointers is a definite lead up to the dreaded 100% vote of confidence. I'm only two months into my contract; I haven't had my first bonus yet. My payoff will be pants. I've got to restore my sodding credibility, my respect, my pension. I've been around too and I've got to let him know it.
鈥淧lease. Perspective. Some perspective please Chairman. This is September, this is early season, this is a very, very important 鈥︹.three pointer鈥︹
鈥淐ough, cough.鈥
鈥淲hat is it now Mother?鈥 we turn, the chair and I together.
鈥淭he reason why I've got so many good mates in football is because I'm always there for them. I can square this.. Today the pools panel will decide our result, my gut tells me they will give us the three points, so when tomorrow comes we will have three points in the bag already and we'll be playing for three more... add them together and you have鈥︹
鈥淔ive points鈥 interrupts Waggy. 鈥淣ah Mother doesn't add up mate, doesn't add up.鈥
The chairman is now talking under his breath. Something about getting less S H 1 T from his pigeons. And then he makes a decision, I can see it in is eyes .
鈥淎nyhow just popped in to wish you lads good luck for tomorrow. I won't be here.鈥
Unbelievable, he was telling me the other day he hadn't missed a United game in seventy years and then we all know why. 鈥淚'll be in Portugal on business鈥. With that he turns and marches out the door. I stay cool and I nonchalantly shout after him:
鈥淏ring me back another Ronaldo!鈥
鈥淣ah鈥 Mourinho鈥
鈥淲ho said that? Waggy?鈥
鈥淔orgive him his sins Topman. He's just rapping and rhyming. He could just have easily said Ronaldhino.鈥
鈥淣o he couldn't Mother. He can barely say Deco and that's on a good day.鈥
鈥 'Ere you saying I'm a Rooney鈥
鈥淣o son.鈥 Recovering myself, I pause for major effect. 鈥淏elieve me with every fibre of your being you're no Rooney.鈥
鈥淪'allright then.鈥
Am I, are we missing something here? More money than you can count on the fingers of the entire population of Moss Side. More endorsements than Gary Lineker. Baby Bentley for a run-around. Waggy looks down on Rooney? I break the silent, open mouthed astonishment.
鈥淣ow back on the job lads. I鈥榲e brought you in for visualisation. Nearly had you all going. What I want you to do is very, very simple.鈥
鈥淵ou'll have to watch then Waggy鈥
鈥淵eah be like you then, on the bench, Front Page鈥
Immediately a chorus of 鈥淟et's get ready to HANDBAG鈥 goes up.
鈥淜nock it off lads. One more disruption and I'll have you back in for extra training. Front Page, Waggy that's two grand each for the Christmas kitty鈥. Never yet had to put my hand in my pocket for Christmas.
