(Picture a garden/yard in front of a house covered in Garden Gnomes. People stop by to look at them. If one of the gnomes could speak in a Belfast Northern Ireland accent this just might happen)
鈥淗i misses, what are you gawking at? Never seen a garden gnome before?"
"What鈥檚 that you say?"
"You love the wee house, the windmill, the multi coloured toad stools, the pond, the grassy patch and all the gnomes standing round."
"Let me tell you misses - the neighbour鈥檚 round here call it
- 鈥渂loody Gnomes Ville鈥"
"Com鈥 here misses. Have you any idea, I mean can you imagine what it鈥檚 like to be a gnome in this auld doll鈥檚 front garden? No?"
"Wait till I tell ye."
"I鈥檓 the boss gnome round here, so I am. I was the first the auld doll got so I get to sit on the mushroom and dangle the fishing rod into this here pond. Bloody stupid if you ask me, why bother, there's no fish to catch. The black tom cat from King Street eats them up every time she puts in new鈥檔s.
"The auld doll can be right and cruel. To stop me sliding off she put a peg up me bum and slotted it into a hole in the mushroom. Bloody painful I can tell ye."
"She leaves us out in all weathers 鈥 won鈥檛 let us take our clothes off in summer and won鈥檛 supply overcoats in winter."
"See Jimmy over there - it was so cold last winter his beard broke off. You can see she made a right mess of gluing it back on. His beard鈥檚 coming out of his nose. God help him, it鈥檚 always covered in snotters."
"She makes us all wear the same stupid clothes 鈥 a red pointy up hat, blue jacket, yellow trousers and black wellies. We all have long white beards, including the female gnomes."
"Take Gladys over there, you wouldn鈥檛 think she was a woman. Well, I can tell you from experience that underneath she is all women. After dark when the auld doll stops duking from behind the curtains we nip off into the bushes for hanky panky or as we gnome鈥檚 call it gnomy pomy."
"See Cecil over by the windmill, ya the one with the limp pointy up hat 鈥 he鈥檚 a gay gnome. The auld doll hasn鈥檛 a clue he鈥檚 gay and keeps making him stand beside Virginia - she鈥檚 a nympho gnome."
"Wait till I tell ye, cats aren鈥檛 the only problem, no way Hosa. There鈥檚 a Jack Russell from across the road that鈥檚 taken a shine to poor George - Every morning, over he comes, lifts his leg and piddles all over his jacket. It then runs down into his wellies. It splashes up his leg when he walks around. On a cold morning George is steaming but there鈥檚 bugger all he can do about it. See the pong off him the summer, you鈥檇 need a peg for your nose."
"See the gnome up by the house 鈥 Ya, the one with the sideburns 鈥 the names Elvis - fancies himself as a singer. If you ask me, he鈥檚 crap 鈥 couldn鈥檛 carry a note in bucket. Keeps serenading Virginia with 鈥淟ove me tender love me true鈥. She keeps telling him to get stuffed. So, God love him he鈥檚 back in 鈥渓onely Street鈥 in 鈥淗eartbreak Hotel.鈥 In fairness he can shake his hips a bit but the auld doll won鈥檛 get him a pair of blue suede shoes."
"The auld man next door kidnapped three of us last Christmas and sent a ransom note in to the auld doll demanding 6 mince pies and a bottle of whisky. Of course she paid up; I think she fancies him, like. She goes all wobbly at the knees when they talk over the fence, her stockings start working their way down her legs till they hang in ripples round her ankles. Give me Gladys and her beard any day."
"What鈥檚 that you say? You can hear me talking but my lips don鈥檛 move. Well gnomes are different from humans we talk through our belly buttons. It makes sense; our brains are in our bums so it鈥檚 best to have your voice near your brain."
"Quick, duck down 鈥 here comes them Starlings again. God knows what the've been gobbing on but it makes a terrible mess of gnome鈥檚 ville. LOOK, they got Jimmy again 鈥 lucky him, the auld doll will take him in and give a nice warm bath. Come to think of I could do with a bath. Hey birdie this way - splat - bugger they鈥檝e been at the raspberries again."
"What you doing misses? Put me down, the auld doll'll be livid. Let go, you're hurting me neck. What's that you鈥檙e saying? - "You taking me home to meet your gnomes?"鈥
"I like this. It's lovely and warm inside your coat. Is that your breast against my cheek? I could get used to this."
"Hi misses, any nice female gnomes back at your place? There is! Stuff the auld doll. Bye bye Gladys."
