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From Dave Tomlinson,Ìýwriter and Vicar of St Luke’s Holloway in London:

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I reckon being right is overrated. After spending more hours than I could shake a stick at with couples searching for a way forward in their relationship – each person convinced that their perspective is correct – I’ve concluded that being ‘right’ can sometimes be a form of self-punishment. Because, often, what we are really looking for is love and connection; insisting on being right may be the enemy of this.

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I confess, I am sometimes like a dog with a bone about being right. Goodness knows the times I’ve been locked into argument with my beloved when all that seemed important was being ‘right’. And because I’m essentially a words person, while she’s more a gut type, I can frequently win the war of words – but completely miss the point!

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I remember the time she yelled out in frustration, ‘Ok, you’re right! But you’re wrong!’ And well… I was wrong, because all I’d done was out-argue her…

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But it’s not just about personal relationships: religion is a realm where people are often very dogmatic: ‘Believe this, or else!’ ‘Our religion is true; the rest are false!’ I long ago abandoned that kind of belief. I reckon religion is about trust not certainty.

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The Israeli poet Yehuda Amichai (who would have been 94 today) wrote a fabulous poem called ‘The Place Where We Are Right’. He says the ground where we are right is like a trampled yard where no flowers will grow in spring. In other words, nothing new can grow between us when we insist on ‘being right’; all we do is argue, score points, when what we actually long for is acceptance and affirmation.

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Doubts and loves, the poet argues, are like a plough or a mole that turns over the ground of certainty, allowing seeds of new possibility to be sown. Some of the best stuff in our relationship has appeared when me and Pat have allowed ourselves to be vulnerable: less definite, more open to new ideas, different perspectives – willing to be wrong.

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My mum used to say, ‘God gave you one mouth and two ears, David – learn to talk less and listen more!’

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Oh Lord! I am trying, mum…. honest.

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