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Listeners' Fantasies |
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From Ambridge to Limerick - Part 10
by various
 More five-line versions of Ambridge goings-on from the Fantasy Archers topic of .
Helen's pregnancy
The fruitfulness of Helen's womb
Is filling this listener with gloom.
I can say with conviction
That my long term prediction
For this story is Doom! Doom! Doom! Doom!
Once Ambridge's male population
Has exhausted all sane speculation,
Ian Craig will be cited,
And ruthlessly spited,
For donation if not copulation!
Every bird! Every bug! Every tree!
Is as fecund and preggy as me!
You don't need cohones -
Just boost your hormon-es.
Easy peasy! No queasy! ... Mummy!
So Helen has told all to Kirst
[She had to or else she would burst]
But will Kirsty keep schtum
'Bout career-girl-to-mum?
Keep a secret! That would be a first.
"Helen, you're patient and calm",
Says Kirsty, with infinite charm
To humour this flake,
This looney fruitcake
Is better than chancing her arm!
Susan will find some foul means
To spill Helen's proverbial beans;
She'll hint loudly to Pat,
That she's smelled the rat,
Then enquire as to paternal genes
Tom and Brenda
Now just stop it please, Brenda Tucker!
All this cooking and ironing - you sucker
Tom's big enough now
To make YOU some chow
And to feel quite at home with the cooker.
Tom is concerned for his Bren
And clucks round her like an old hen
Should she stay in Leicester?
Or will this just test her
Desire to be with him again?
Matt and Lilian
Poor old Tiger rang Lil from the clink,
He said "I can't wait ter see yer I fink".
Well Lil's mind's in a turmoil
'Cos she fancies his brov Paul -
It may well turn her to fags and to drink!
Now Tiger is going to be sprung
Lil had better bite her loose tongue
Cos should he discover
She has a new lover
She'll be up to her neck in the dung!
Lunch in the garden with Matt
With chicken and champers and that
Then upstairs they go
Quite why we don't know
But I hope that he takes off his hat.
Now Matt is home from the chokey
His cell there was smelly and poky
But there's one small snag
On his ankle, a tag
Which tracks his nocturnal loci!
Bren working with Lil? - what a joke
Lil would, I am sure, like to poke
Ms Tucker's eyes out
What's that all about?
Why, Brenda once pinched our Lil's bloke!
The shop
The shop should be mobbed at the door,
Such sparkling and shiny decor,
But Sabrina and Vicky
Make things look tricky
The profits will go through the floor.
No surprise that the shop tops the hits
Not just 'cos it stocks bobs and bits
The true source of attraction
Driving males to distraction
Is Sabrina and Vicky's fine decolletages.
By hook or proverbial crook,
Misdemeanors will go in The Book
So the Committee can know
Who to keep (or let go)
If of ale they too freely partook!
Sid's death and aftermath
So Sid Perks has called final time
And hung the damp towels on the line,
Cos now he has copped it
He has changed his last optic,
And the bar bell has tolled its last chime.
At The Bull they are having a do
In Sid's name, with booze and food too.
It's Eddie's idea,
And so I much fear
It will end up a bit of a zoo*.
(*Couldn't make 'bear garden' rhyme.)
In Ambridge the Great Noble Game
Will never now be quite the same
For our Sidney's ashes
In Darrington clashes
Will no doubt deflect their true aim.
Poor old Jamie has just lost his dad
And Kathy is getting quite sad
She is oft heard to whine:
"Kenton's out all the time!"
Her moaning is driving us mad!
Jamie's grieving! said Kath, "face the facts!
It's quite stupid to take him to Jaxx!"
But when he got to the place
Jamie just stuffed his face
And was happy - just what his home lacks.
Will Kenton feel lonely and stray
With Kathy behaving that way
She cuts him no slack
She'll have no comeback
If he says "Let's call it a day"
Pip and Jude
Jude's planning to go to I-bee-tha
Pip should think that this trip is beneath 'er
It's all beer and male swagger
And posing like Mick Jagger
It's clamydia that he'll bequeath 'er.
Pip has told college she'll quit
From Ambridge she's planning to flit
To Oz or the States
Unless Jude and his mates
Decide to go surfing in Split!
A bright Ambridge damsel named Phizz
Has found herself in quite a tizz
When dumped by her dude
(Some scoundrel named Jude)
She found comfort with her Auntie Liz
When teenager Pip's bubble burst
Her family feared for the worst
Her parents will learn
To show their concern
By placing her diginty first.
Pip has been dumped, boo hoo hoo
She spends hours, just locked in the loo
Wailing and crying
- You'd think she was dying
Pip, throw off the old, find someone new!
Murder Mystery
So Bert is The Old Retainer
And feels that he is the gainer
For Joe wants the role
With his heart and his soul
But Lynda's choice could not have been plainer.
Will they ask the creator of Morse
To take part in La Snell's tour de force
When they say "Name the crooks!"
He'll reply "In my books
It's the last person standing, of course"
And we expect to hear a lot more on this subject in our next selection of limericks...
Darling,what can one do with a daughter
[sob]
Who has wedded herself to a Carter?
[howl]
Surely it is a sin
[shriek]
To down-gene on a whim?
[wail]
Think of all that posh schooling we bought her!
[sfx rending of garments]
Our thanks to Bear-in-the-Bull, Glitz, inguanoveritas, Monique Newley, Mr Snowy, Sixties Relic, Starling, The Famous Eccles, typewright, Vicky S
More limericks:
More
Archers fantasies
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