Nick and Jo McCann had expected that this would be their first Christmas as parents. But last January, their daughter was stillborn ...
Jo was 39 weeks pregnant, just a week away from her due date, when she became worried by the complete stillness of the baby she was carrying. A little concerned she phoned her friend who was also the midwife who was to deliver their baby. The friend advised them to go to the hospital for a check up. Even before the news was broken to them by the doctor, Jo and Nick knew that the the worst had happened, "You could just tell by the looks on people’s faces. That was the worst moment, realising yourself that the baby had died".
Jo’s initial thought was "I want a caesarian, now!" But her friend took her and Nick home. Nick describes that night as, "the worst night of my life." When the couple returned to the hospital next day to have the baby induced, Nick didn’t find it an unpleasant experience, "When she was born, she just looked like any other baby." Nick and Jo named their daughter Agnes Mary.
Talking to other women about the experience, Jo finds that most assume that the giving birth to a dead baby is the worst aspect of what had happened to them. At this point, Jo says has to stop a moment. She begins speaking again after a brief pause, "… but actually it was quite wonderful." Nick agrees with her, his voice not quite steady, "You hold on to things as time goes on, and you realise at that moment what love is. The intensity of it is what stays with me, that depth of feeling that you’d do anything to have Agnes back. None of those are negative things at all, sad, but not negative."
The McCann’s had a room to themselves, and spent much of the day following the birth with their daughter. Jo describes the enlightened approach of the hospital towards their situation; they helped the couple take photographs, prints of Agnes’ feet and hands, and a lock of her hair.
Nick found it hard to return to his work as a primary school teacher, but trusting in the maturity of the 11 year-old children he teaches, he talked openly to them about what had happened, "The letters we had from the children, were the best creative writing they did last year because it was totally from the heart." Initially this helped, but admits that he was deflecting his feelings in taking on a traditional male supportive role. He immersed himself in work, but as the school wound down for the summer break, the death of his daughter hit him, and he was off work for a period of time.
Nick found himself grieving for the relationship he had not had, "Jo firmly believes that Agnes had 40 wonderful weeks, very cosy and very warm. The woman gets the chance to build that relationship. I think it’s a sad thing that the man doesn’t get the chance to build that relationship until the baby’s born, but that’s a fact of life."
Jo and Nick are considering having children again but both feel it it wiser to wait for a time, until they feel stronger about dealing with what they both know will be an anxious nine months. Coming to terms with the death of Agnes has been painful, and continues to be so, but both Jo and Nick have found a strength in each other and in their relationship which has helped them cope with the devastation and sadness of their loss.
