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Child Role Reversal
Jackie was widowed 18 months ago.... she is determined not to live her life through her two children ...
Jackie's son Joey is 7 and her daughter Molly is 5. Since the death of her husband, Jackie worries that their son, in particular, is finding it necessary to take on, off his own bat, some of his father's domestic responsibilities. She is concerned that she is causing him to respond in this way "What I saw myself doing very much last year was chat to him as I would have chatted to my husband. I had to make a conscious effort to stop myself doing that. I'd say, "We're going to see grandma today. Let's go on the M3 instead of the M4'. I'd think, he doesn't need to know that, he's only 6. He, I think, feels a certain responsibility to me, which breaks my heart to see ...
At first Joey tried to compensate for his father not being around. Jackie recalls "I had comments like, when I'm 18 Mummy, I'm going to change my name to Ken so you'll never forget Daddy." It's normal, but there'll be times when I leave the house and he'll say 'Mummy have you got your keys' and I think its such a shame that he's worrying about things like that."
It seems to Jackie that Joey is taking the 'man about the house' role. She is careful about what she says in front of Joey - "When we went on holiday,I was going to hire a car. Joey said 'But mummy, what about the insurance? I feel there's not many 7 year olds that are even aware of insurance, let alone worrying about it..."
But in spite of her concerns, Jackie recognises that she and her two children are "very much a team. At the beginning I realised that we were only going to get through it together. My husband is still part of our everyday lives - I mention what daddy would have thought of this or that. I'd like to have an open relationship with my children, but I don't think they need to know about things at this age that don't concern them."
When did you feel that you had grown up?
What happened?
How did your friends and family react?
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