Five years a go Sarah was happy with her lot in life; she then found out that she was HIV positive, and that it was her partner who'd infected her. Sarah nursed him until he died in 1996. She talked to Judy Merry about how she and her two sons had coped with the effect on her family and the loneliness it has brought them. All names have been changed.
"I felt I was dirty - I couldn't understand how I could have this illness when I've never slept about or taken drugs" says Sarah, "I'd done nothing wrong, but I still got the virus through someone I trusted."
Sarah knew she had the virus before her boyfriend died, "I went with him to find out how he'd caught it, and why he hadn't told me. The specialist said that people can go into denial and that's like an illness itself - they don't believe they've got the virus and act as if they're fit and healthy…"
Anxious to avoid denying her own illness, Sarah told her close friends and family that she was HIV positive. Her family were distraught, even phoning her boyfriend to abuse him for passing the virus on to Sarah, "They were coping with their hurt," says Sarah,"but now they don't talk about it or discuss it, they don't help me mentally at all … living with the uncertainty is horrible."
Andy, her eldest son was 11 years old at the time and reacted to the news with violence and anger "He'd looked at my boyfriend as some kind of hero," says Sarah, "he couldn't get his head around him giving me HIV." Colin share his anxieties with his brother, "He doesn't talk, he uses his fists," says Colin briefly.
The family became unable to talk to each other openly about the situation, some acknolwedged it, and some denied it's existence. "My young niece was watching a programme on drug users," says Sarah, " 'Auntie Sarah's got that but she's not a junkie', she said. Her dad just turned on her and said, 'Where did you hear that - you liar.' She had no explanation - God knows what she was thinking!" Sarah find this hard to cope with, "It's like they're saying they're ashamed of me…"
Colin's friends tends to react to the news more positively with, "Your mum's still your mum."
Barnardos have been the greatest help to Sarah and her sons, providing respite care, and a listening ear, "My family don't have much to do with me, if it wasn't for Barnardos, I'd be long gone. If there's a problem, they'll speak to my kids - they're like a state mum. They'll take time with the kids, whereas my family won't…"
Loneliness is hard to bear, "I could be sitting in a roomful of people and I have nothing in common with them," says Sarah "You're isolated because no body cares what you're going through mentally. I know people who've killed themselves because of the mental depression… you're living your life for taking tablets."
Sarah's worst fear is not seeing her kids grow up, "I want to see them married, do well in jobs and see my first grand bairn - just one grand bairn."
