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Telling the Kids
When David鈥檚 wife told him that she wanted out of their ten year marriage, David鈥檚 first thought was how do I tell the children?
When David鈥檚 wife told him, out of the blue, that she wanted to leave him, he was shocked and angry and told her she must go immediately. It was ten o鈥檆lock on a Sunday night and both their children, a son, 5 and a daughter, 7 were tucked up in bed, ready for a perfectly normal day at school on Monday. But after the initial shock, David thought again - and thought of the children, "I realised My God! what am I going to say to the children in the morning when their Mum鈥檚 gone. I went back upstairs and began to talk in a more reasonable way to my wife." The couple arranged to stay together for the five weeks until the children鈥檚 summer holidays began. That was the day they would tell the children of their separation. "It wasn鈥檛 a tense time because you can blank things out. It was an unreal time. No-one knew. The children were oblivious of the impending separation." During the five weeks, David hoped for a reconcilliation, but it wasn鈥檛 to be.
As the time drew near, David and his wife spent time sorting out who was going to take what from the hosue, sorting out bank accounts, policies, everything in fact - right down to the documents on the computer. What was difficult was to find guidance through their situation, the solicitor told them "Go away until you鈥檝e actually parted."
It was a friend who put David in touch with a councillor who discussed with David the impact of what he was preparing to say to his children. "It hits them like a brick," says David " you鈥檝e got to make sure they come away with no sense of guilt. A lot of kids think it is their fault that their parents are separating. They think that not tidying their bedroom when mum asked or not getting ready for school on time which makes daddy angry are the reasons for the divorce." Forewarned, David and his wife sat down and talked to the children, but more importantly they actually listened to their reaction. "The first thing my daughter said that her best friend wouldn鈥檛 like her any more!" Their son, the younger of the two children seemed to take the news more calmly.
The separation was fairly amicable and continues to be so.
The children see a lot of their mother, and phone her whenever they want, but David has been at pains to make one thing very clear, "Mummy and daddy are not getting back together - ever. They mustn't carry that around in their heart."
Although it was a strange limbo time of five weeks living together before the separation, David feels it made an enormous difference that he and his wife managed to think about the practicalities fo the situation, and both their own and the children鈥檚 emotional response to what was about to happen. What struck David was that at a time of total confusion, there was very little information about how couples could help themselves and their children to cope with the pain of separation and divorce. "It鈥檚 a strange time because no-one prepares for marriage expecting to pop out the other side, single and separated."
If you've been through a separation or divorce which included children, how did you cope?
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