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The Hardest Decision
When Carol and Paul's daughter was born with cerebral palsy, they had to make the hardest decision of their lives...
Three and a half years ago, Carol and her partner Paul were looking forward to the birth of their first child. Their daughter, Katie, was born by emergency caesarian section. She was in a special baby care unit for two weeks afterwards, but Carol and Paul were told by doctors that she should be a perfectly healthy little girl. As the months went by though, Carol and Paul began to suspect that not all was well with Katie - she cried and screamed constantly, and couldn't suck or swallow during feeds. The took her to see both their health visitor and their GP, but were over anxious first time parents. But it turned out that their fears were more than justified, with Katie, at four and a half months, being diagnosed with severe cerebral palsy, a condition which forced Carol and Paul to make her hardest ever decision...
Carol: "Very early on we decided Katie would be fostered. It was respite to begin with, just to give us a break. The options we were considering were whether to keep her ourselves, or have her adopted." Carol and Paul decided eventually to have Katie adopted. Carol: "One of the reasons was because financially we really couldn't provide for the needs she would have. At the moment she's with a foster family, who adore her, and she's getting all her needs meet, emotional as well as financial. She's the centre of a family who really do love her - she's like a little princess. If we'd kept Katie, we know we'd have been on our knees and giving her messages of bitterness and despair and worry. The family she's with totally love her and accept her for what she is." Carol and Paul visit Katie from time to time, but find it difficult as Katie doesn't recognise them. However, they feel that this was very much the best decision for Katie.
Friends found it difficult to cope with the couple's distress, but both families have been very supportive. Carol and Paul's own relationship as partners, has not survived. Carol, "Initially we dealt with it very much together, and he was absolutely brilliant with Katie, but it took its toll. Last year, Paul went through a severe depression. We made the decision that really we couldn't carry on living together - we were pulling each other down. We had different ways of coping with it. Paul went into himself and I desperately needed to talk. We're very close friends now. We'll always feel like family to each other, but at the moment, we're not in a relationship."
Carol is optimistic about Katie's future. She will, at some point move to another foster family. Carol has some very natural concerns that the next foster family may not wish for her and Paul's involvement in Katie's life or live too far away. Carol: "It's got to be in Katie's interest and if we found the perfect family for Katie who couldn't cope with our involvement, we feel we'd have to accept that, but we hope it won't be the case..."
Has there been a point in your life when you've had to make a
controversial decision?
What was it about?
How did your friends and family react - did they support you?
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