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Next month the television will be commandeered by Children in Need so Donald and I thought we'd try and steal a march by announcing Niseachs in Need which is to run from today. This district of Ness, the furthest north western territory in the EEC is often overlooked. Michael Palin never visits - he always heads off in the other direction. Gordon Brown is hardly aware of us and we've never had a lottery winner - not even a tenner - athough I suppose it helps to buy a ticket. We are asking all the IB communities to make pledges, organise virtual coffee mornings and run cyber half marathons plus any other imaginative money spinning ruses. Donald and I have set our sights high as we've seen what El Tel and Gabby can raise each November so here is our wish list should we raise sufficient.
£30m will bring Wayne Rooney to Ness FC for four seasons, pay for a room at Cross Inn for himself and Colleen and keep him in Playstation games.
£25m will finance a new distillery for Eoropie and pay for the staff's relocation costs from Oban Distillery. This will mean no more slumming it with blended whisky, shorten everyone's lifespan and thus make fewer demands on the NHS and the DWP
£20m will buy a new boat to operated a ferry service between Ardvasar and Skigersta. This will be a pedestrian only ferry as the roads around both places aren't up to it. The green implications for this project are enormous.
£15m will provide trading posts for each village in Ness and will qualify for EEC grants since LIDL NETTO ALDI and emporioalanjohn will be the contracted partners.
£10m Will buy every Andy Stewart record and CD in existence to bury then in a Landfill Site to be developed at Aird Dell bringing one hundred jobs to the six houses there.
£5m will provise a subsidy for every Niseach to have a free bottle of Glenn's vodka from the Swainbost shop. This will boost the sale of hangover cures in the Storoway chemists who might otherwise be in danger of closing.
£1m will finance a study by St Andrew's s postgraduate students on the impact of marac eating in single parent families and the rise of the Charley Barley latch key culture.
£500 000 will buy enough tweed to make rugs for all the Fank extravanzas for the next decade before that Haggas fella gets his wicked way with the tweed industry.
£250000 will pay for the Lords Day Observance Society to home people in Ullapool who might be thinking of sailing on the Sabbath. This will cover the cost of board lodging and an evening's bingo with top class prizes.
£100000 will pay for a campaign to stop Glaswegian Theatre Cooperatives, fim makers and performance poets coming to the island and provide a bath house for them in Bearsden.
£50000 will pay to set up a publishing house exclusively for IB patrons so that Moo's book will see the light of day. £20 a significant sum will be set aside to give Erland a rest.
£25000 pays for the Art Store at Lamlash to be relocated in Ness and for six months rent on a cottgae for Sunny and her finacee.
£10000 pays for TWS family ot go to Disneyalnd four times a year and for interim car for TWS and Getoofthe while they are away.
£5000 purchses singing lessons for every free church precentor on the island at the Royla College of Music in Ardvourlie.
£1000 pays for three gallons of diesel at any garage in the district.
£500 pays for a missionary to be based in Skigersta and a rigorous anti cannibalkism programme.
£250 pays for a guide dog for communal use of the spinsters of Ness.
£100 gets a meal for four at the Cross In with a bottle of Cava to teach mainland social skills and act as an inclusion strategy for the district.
£30 gets a year's subscription in Fios which can be passed from house to house. This will stimulate inter croft dynamics.
£10 gets a family of four a meal from sweeney Cod'smobile Chippy
£5 provises five lottery tickets and guaranteed excitement for five households. This would go only to large famileis so the excitement is spread among the gretest number possible.
£2 gats a return ticket to Habost well to save some cailleachs knees or 1kg of Pan Drpos so everyone at church can have at lest two sweeties each.
1p gets a Penny Dainty from emporiolanjohn.

This will be a blockbusting campaign. annie B is coming up with a logo and all contributions can be posted on this site and Anne at IBHQ is on a percentage.
Give generously brethren. I know we can depend on you. Not blogged in a while as operation like this takes some planning