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Donald and I have been fielding some pretty dreadful emails from Anne at IBHQ who, as a recently married woman should have better things to do with her holiday - B and Q Texas Homecare spring to mind - I digress.
The image of Island Blogging is being tarnished by some of you attempting to jettison your new partners on eBay extolling their virtues and good looks. What is worse is that you are giving Anne's name as a reputable referee as well as Donald's and mine. Now Donald's reputation matters for nothing - it is damaged beyond repair - his ASBO even forbids him going near the Jobcentre - how handy is that?
We told you a partner was for life not just Easter. Now belt up the lot of you and withdraw these items from eBay and stop embarrassing the site. What you landed yourselves with at the Fank you are stuck with till next year.

Angus MacNeil the SNP anti sleaze champion has been in the papers for copying Raynond Barneveldt - the Dutch darts player. Wrong 3 in a bed Angus!!
When a married man with so much to lose commits such an indiscretion it shows the need for masked Fanks where the likes of Angus can live out their fantasies. Donald and I would like to see funding set aside for regular masked fanks then none of this scandal would leak out. It is obvious that there are men and women of Angus' age with unsatisfied urges. Obviously Barra doesn't offer enough excitement something which Donald and myself find amazing. Also it doesn't speak well of the Northern Isles when this sort of thing isn't laid on for MP's like it is in England. You wouldn't catch John Prescott casting about for a couple of folk musicians over the darts and dominoes - the local Labour party would take care of all that or he'd bring his own. It goes without saying that Donald and I would be quite willing to look after the national budget for such fanks.
The Times' article says one of the girls was the daughter of a Queen's chaplain - do the band still need a chaplain now Freddy Mercury has died?

We knew at the beginning of the month before anyone else of the cracks in the
Middleton Windsor relationship. It was when Donald in his capacity as car park attendant at the Fank noticed a VW Golf with no road tax parked on the top road into South Dell. There was a Top Shop bag on the back seat and some polo equipment along with it with the initials WW on the shirt. Knowing that William Wallace is long dead Donald put two and two together and realised there was some top totty at the masked ball that evening looking for lurve.
Being an expert ogler of KM's legs over the p[ast few years, D soon tracked his quarry down. She was sat on a peat bank talking to Chrissie Mary and B of B about hair colouring and swapping experiences about stylists. Chrissie Mary didn't hold back about her thought s on Daniel Galvin and John Frieda.
When Lets Twist Again came on (courtesy of Amgus McKinnnon and his Wheels of Steel a late replacement for Paul Oakenfold) Donald saw his chance and made his move for Kate. After that the Windsor boy was history. Donald took her back to South Dell to his condominium, showed her his collection of Angus Og cartoons and that was it. The next morning Kate told the waiting Gazette reporter she could never go back to duvets and pillowcases ever again. From now on it would always be tweed blankets and Loft Peak flower sacks for her. No more ensuite facilities just the jerry under the metal bed frame. Donald had worked his magic on yet another piece of top totty. He has put a notch on the beam in the hen house which testifies to his powers as a stud. Kate joins an exclusive yet eclectic collection of women that Donald has ravished which includes Keira Nightly as he liked to call her, Halle Berry, PD James, Moira Stewart, Blythe Duff, Dot Cotton, Dolly Parton and Mother Theresa.

I've been wondering recently where Donald was getting all his money from. I thought he might be getting hush money post fank from Ms Middleton but he swore it wasn't. Then I hear on the radio that there has been a spate of lambs disppearing throughout Lewis for the past few weeks. This added to the fact that there is a heap of wool clippings in the loom house behind Donald's croft enabled me to put two and two together and extract a confession from Donald. He has been trimming the lambs and exporting them to Japan as Poodles - the big 'must have' in Nipponese society apparently. The lad has made a killing out of his deception but now he's airing his apology via Island Blogging. So if any disenchanted members of Tokyo society want to email him via the site, he will happily send a recipe to help dispose of the unwanted family pet plus a jar of short dated Mint Sauce from Emporio Alanjohn's. Donald's mother, Donaldina, thinks she dropped him on his head when he was little and attributes this in mitigation for the shortcomings of her beloved son.
Otherwise if you have a poodle check for any traces of blue paint on the back of the neck and the right flank - it may not be a dog. The acid test? Poodle meat is a lighter brown than lamb and not as fatty - please don't ask how I know!