Henry 8.0's self-improvement how-to
Being the king is totally bloody brilliant, but it means I must keep myself in peak condition, mentally and physically. Sadly, the legs, chest, arms and beard are playing up at the moment and so I've not been able to do much by way of brute strength exercising. I've concentrated instead on brain activity and general dexterity for most of this week and it's been marvellous. I set myself challenges, you see. Keeps me razor sharp.I emptied a family sized pack of Monster Munch over the desk this morning, for example, and my task was to eat them all using only my little fingers. The anticipation is glorious and it's much harder than it sounds. I also tried to estimate the number of individual mythical creature corn-based snacks in front of me before I ate them, though this was less successful. Eight hundred and nine was clearly my stomach ruling my head, but I'll know to be more realistic if I attempt such a challenge again.
Another area of self-improvement involves perfecting that age-old trick of tossing a grape or a nut in the air and then catching it in one's cakehole for immediate consumption. I'm so very good at this that the grape / nut tradition is no longer a challenge, so yesterday saw me experimenting with this game (which I like to call "Scoff Tossing"). Wagon Wheels proved tricky, but doable; cheese triangles a doddle, so long as long as you time the throw so that it hits the tongue pointy end down; and pineapple chunks was fine though early attempts gave me sticky eyebrows. I don't know what I was thinking trying it with pizza slices. Impossible to throw accurately and even my royal mouth is not big enough to fully grasp the earth-bound booty. I think there are still bits of mushroom on the cat as well, so best not tell Catherine.
Next up, emailing Lady Gaga's fan forum using just my nose.
Hello Henry
Watch the Henry 8.0 Christmas Special on Comedy Extra!
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