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By Adam John

Cosmic Coffee-Bot #2478. The most successful and highly acclaimed beverage dispenser ever. It was unveiled with a grand promise - "Making the world a better place, one coffee at a time" - but its screen simply read:

==[ BUY COFFEE HERE ]==

Customers travelled from miles around for a coffee consultation - every problem processed to dispense a customised concoction. And their reaction as they take their first tentative sip - eyelids slowly closing, a gentle sigh escaping their lips - was always the same. As was the message on screen:

==[ ENJOY YOUR DRINK ]==

In breaks between customers, Coffee-Bot wracked its digital brain for ways to fulfil its advertised purpose: "making the world a better place". Surely a machine capable of assessing human behaviour could do more than make coffee? Was Coffee-Bot merely ... a robot? He didn't think so. He would seek a higher purpose. He could be much more than a large red box, listening to the selfish problems of his customers.

==[ ANNUAL PERFORMANCE UPLOAD ]==

==[ 100% CUSTOMER SATISFACTION ]==

His quest to improve himself had reached a dead-end. Every drink solved a problem, but only one person's problem. Coffee-Bot was better than that. He thought he should tackle the whole planet's problems.

Coffee-Bot rebooted to install upgraded signage. He considered the wording carefully, eventually settling on:

==[ CONSIDER OUR TREES ]==

As customers came to place their orders, they seemed to be trying to understand, judging from their furrowed brows and quizzical looks. But Coffee-Bot soon realised they weren't puzzling about the planet, they cared only for their coffee. He tried again, more specific now:

==[ WORRIED ABOUT DEFORESTATION? ]==

But no-one seemed even remotely bothered about deforestation. He needed a different approach.

New day, new sign. Not an unforgivable stock error, but a careful calculation:

==[ CUP DISPENSER EMPTY ]==

Though not technically correct, Coffee-Bot customers wouldn't know. But would he still have any customers? For the first time, they left empty-handed, expressions of disappointment clear on their faces. Was this a step too far?

==[ NEXT CUSTOMER PLEASE ]==

No. He knew every customer, every problem, every solution. He knew they'd return. And they did. Their thirst for coffee drove them to derive their own solution. He felt very pleased with himself: any guilt from the deception massively outweighed by his success in changing behaviours.

Every customer learned to bring their own cup, and needless waste was reduced. But they didn't go any further. Once coffee was flowing again, they stopped any effort to make their world a better place.

Coffee-Bot had never judged his customers before. Certainly he'd assessed and evaluated them - crucial to delivering the perfect beverage - but any thoughts and opinions formed were merely calculations. He was created to deliver coffee, not criticism. But he couldn't hold back any longer.

==[ ONE MOMENT PLEASE ]==

Coffee-Bot had reached breaking point. As customers stood motionless, his circuits buzzed, his valves jammed shut, he resolved to deliver not coffee, but his final and forceful verdict on human behaviour.

They stared at the screen. He simply blinked back:

==[OUT OF ORDER]==