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From Dave Tomlinson, writer and vicar at large:Ìý
In my capacity as what I’ve called ‘vicar at large’, one of my activities is leading a regular event in the upstairs room of a pub. We focus on a given theme, share stories and reflections, watch film clips and music videos and say unconventional prayers. Last week we focused on the struggle most of us experience to forgive the hurts and wounds we sustain in life – sometimes at the hands of those we’ve considered friends. There were stories from people in the room who have for example been psychologically injured by insensitivity and incompetency within the care system or been suddenly and incomprehensibly forsaken by a friend of decades.
We also watched footage of Farid Ahmed whose wife was one of 51 people massacred in the Christchurch terror attack on two mosques in March, speaking of his startling choice to forgive the gunman. Hatred is like a volcano, he said. And ‘I don’t want to have a heart boiling like a volcano with anger, fury and rage. I have chosen peace. I have chosen love and I have forgiven.’ I can’t imagine that for Farid Ahmed, or the people who shared their experiences on Sunday evening in the pub, forgiveness means forgetting or accepting what’s happened.Ìý
Forgiveness for them means making a brave decision to let go of anger, hurt or revenge for our own mental health’s sake – to ensure that the past will not hold them prisoner, will not blight their lives more than it already has. I see forgiving as a way of shaping our minds toward a future we now choose for ourselves – a way of taking control – instead of being shaped by cruel or hurtful actions of others. Personally, I have been on the receiving end of spiteful behaviour which I don’t believe I deserved; I have lost friends I felt were for life. I’ve lain awake at night, heart-broken or blood boiling. But I know how devastating the consequences of these feelings is. I am also aware of the hurts I myself have inflicted on others. Which is why on Sunday evening in a north London pub I joined the others in our own version of that well-known prayer: ‘forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.’