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I realise if I don't post I shall disappear without trace from this site so I've interrupted my day off to give this update. Given the changes in society on Arran, Donald and I realise we may be faced with several same sex partnerships at the Fank. Accordingly we are having to order more pens to keep things defined and people in place. Fortunately Lionel Leathers, a local company, are sponsoring a pen for gays and we are deep in negotiations with Lybro dungarees as sponsors of the Lesbian section. See we have our fingers on the pulse, Sunny. The formation of AGA on Arran has led to an outbreak of people removing the trade name from their AGA stoves in Ness. Donald's mother is relieved she has a Raeburn. A sermon is expected on the subject this Sabbath. Foodwise for the Fank -To accommodate some of the Northern Isles singletons we are looking for cheap supplies of Spam. A meat company in York called Eyelids and Arselips are serious bidders. Their quote is unbelievably low. The Big Brother Bochan has now been topped out and two sheep and a dozen hens are living there for a modest rent. We'll steamclean the place for the humans moving in. Godwin is excited at the prospect of a captive audience for his book reading and early April bookings are up dramatically on Calmac. All in all things are ticketty boo. Miss Hoolie has sent me an autographed item of intimate apparel so things could not be better. Now I must attend to to extra responsibilty Annie Beag has heaped on my frail shoulders. Other news Dolina hasa a new car ready for the Fank. It is a Red Escort with plenty of room for keeping a boddach in the boot.

Chrissie Mary, her Labrador and myself are off on a blind date tonight. We are going to town away from the limelight of Dell. This is a dry run for both of us as we're looking for ideas as to where to take anyone who gets paired up with us at the Fank. We're hoping to gatecrash a wedding reception at The Cabefeidh or the Seaforth as that's means a cheap and guaranteed buffet plus some decent craic. The staff at the Caberfeidh are also pretty kind to the dog buying him crisps etc. Then a bit of window shopping along Bayhead which with its cafe gets more Left Bank every day. I'll take Chrissie up past the religious bookshop
(always a good display) and have a scout in the charity shop windows ( Chrissie is hat hunting )before whipping her down to the Quayside to get some diesel fumes in her lungs. After that I think it's the last tractor home with maybe a stop for a Latte at Strewbacks in Barvas. Don't anyone say I don't know how to treat a lady...

Donald has been on ebay this morning - it's his giro day. He has purchased the very latest in Iris recognition technology for the turnstiles at the Fank. So if your name is Iris we'll recognise you straight away and you'll be whisked off to the VIP pens.If your name isn't Iris you'll just have to queue like the rest of us. We'll provide colouring books and metrosexual pens to kill the boredom of queueing- remember gay colours / straight sides.
This message is sponsored by Donnie's Nail Parlour and Tanning Salon
Fivepenny. Donnie hopes that this is the sort of information customers old and new are looking for....and he likes the sound of Sunny from arran

Madonna seen in a black hat and long coat at the last Back Communions.
Stevie Wonder spotted with Posh Spice in Digby Chicks last Friday. Posh was eating chips with tomato sauce.
Donald Rumsfeld spotted buying postcards in South Dell Post Office.
Ronaldinho in Ness FC football club a week last Wednesday.
Anna Ford and Jeremy Godwin canoodling in the Criterion Bar.
The Beverley Sisters filling up with petrol at Barvas filling station.
Silvio Berlisconi in a Fiat 500 outside the Stag Bakery.
Cliff Richard in a deckchair on the Habost machair.

Bet no other island can match this....?