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Batch number 2006 August Port of Ness Batch 3.
This product is Crown of Guga stuffed with marac and bulked up with Habost well water and reconstituted seagull products. It has come to the attention of the manufacturers 'I cant believe it's not Guga plc' that some of the product have been tainted with cormorant and seal meat as well as a packet of KP nuts that Donald dropped on the assembly line. So that no Christmases are ruined purchasers are advised to return all guga products to emporio alanjohn in Lionel who will exhange them for either kipper vouchers or any four pies from the Stag bakery range. The management apologises for any inconvenience. Donad has been sacked

I see from this week's Stornoway Gazette that we have three new 'local' whiskies. Personally I wouldn't give a Speyside malt to a dog with toothache - the water is as hard as a woman's heart. Decent whisky needs peat water. I see other opportunities however for local drinks that might whet tourist appetites and slake thirsts worldwide.
Arnish Light - a delicate lager made with hops - ideal with curries.
White Settler - a sparkling Chiraz also available in red.
Back Of Beyond - an eleven percent full strength barley wine
Ruthanadort - a mixture of vodka and cremola foam
Digital Sandemans
Yon Bonny Glen's Vodka
Newmarket Brown Ale
Portnaguran - an alcopop of port and guava
Johnnie Walkers Black House
Old Session Clerk - a 20 year old single malt from Adabrock
Austin Nicoll's Wild Guga - a Lewis Bourbon

Any more for any more round the islands?

If the mornings of December 25ths in years to come are not moonlit then there is a grave danger of Santa and his reindeer crashing into a 300m turbine and no one from Barvas to Eoropie will get a new pair of slippers and the kids will get no toys. Can you imagine the debris on the Barvas moors? Santa's flight plan shows that he flies between crofts at 100 m above ground - any higher and he wouldn't be finished delivering by Hogamanay. So Brian Wilson and Alistair Darling with your grand plans - you're goosed by the man in red with white fur trimming and the Argyll wellies!

Here is a selection of the best baragins that are on offer.
Argyll Wellingtons Size 14 only 3pirs only 拢10.99 were 拢11
Lybro Dungarees Sizes 48 inch chest 10pairs - ideal for the lady in your life
拢12.99
Guga Netting 3.99 a metre compare this with Band Q's prices.
Mackerel Feathers - idealfor the mackerel or decorating that hat for church -all coulours in stock - buy one get one free.
Presbyterian Mints short dated 20p per 100gm whatever a gm is.
Bottles of Habost Spring Water now collectible 10 p a litre whatever a litre is.
Cremola Foam Gift Packs for the Kids 拢4.99
'How to get Rich out of Wind Farms' - Brian Wilsin will be signing copies of his new book on the St Bruno counter between 12 and 1pm

Form an orderly queue past the shop and down towards Lionel School
There will be entertainment for shoppers provided by the Three Macs.
Cash Only

Free tin of mushrooms with every purchase over 拢20.
Sheep Dip - orders taken for Easter at today's price.
Plus the usual selection of church wear in all shades of black.
Locally produced soap - guaranteed to get you in a lather -including new caragheen flavour - a Soaplady of Lewis Special
White Settler Cider - guaranteed to get you where you want to be 99p a litre
Sunny D a new orange drink from the Lamlash brewery in Arran -a great mixer.
A merry Christmas to you all
Alanjohn