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We are proposing to put together a scheme to rival the dating carnival at Lisdoonvarna in Ireland to brighten up the dark winter days in Ness. My cousin Donald and myself are busy putting the final touches to the scheme which was hatched over a bottle of The Bheag and a few McEwans at the Europie bochan. We are thinking of using the Dell Fank as a venue where it will be easy to keep the men and women apart. Also there is a good portable toilet on the site already and excellent bus communications with Town although the last fifty yards to the fank can be boggy! We have a few local cailleachs ready to give it a go and several have been over to town to get new hats and are honing up their baking skills as I write. Donald and I are hoping to secure European funding for the project. After all if a few Morrisons can get a king's ransom to buy an old MacBraynes gang plank to link Eistean to the island, we should have no problem getting a few quid from Brussells. Donald and I are both bachelors so will be spending the first tranche of cash on a fact finding trip to Lisdoonvarna maybe taking in some research in Soho on the way back. Wish us luck in our endeavours - we are doing this for the community. The residents of South Dell are frankly fed up of marauding cailleachs of all ages galloping through the village each evening looking for hapless gentlemen - it reminds them of the old Galson horses rampaging about. Donald and I are thinking of kicking off the matchmaking festival at the beginning of April or Spring when a young man's thoughts turn to - peat cutting!

Donald and I have received a boost with the arrival of Uncle Angus who is home from Partick. He is a bus driver and the first thing he said when we told him about the festival was, 'Count me in and save me a good looking one,' followed by the wise advice, 'You need both a timetable and sponsorship.' We talked this out over dinner ( saith and potatoes) on the new oilcloth Angus had brought for Granny from a French market in Clydebank. Sponsorship has arrived immediately. We met up with Donald John Morrison in the Swainbost shop buying Paris buns for the staff at this factory in Habost. He has kindly put the full weight of his company which recycles seagull flesh under the name, 'I can't believe it's not Guga' behind us. He is also offering tours of the factory to any couples who 'get together' at the festival. He will also donate a thousand Guga Kebabs for the catering concession at the Fank. Other food ideas welcome to tender and we've been told Starbucks are interested in the strubag franchise!!
If anyone else has any sponsorship ideas please post them on this site. I'll report tomorrow then I've a week away at the sheilings out at Muirneag.

Donald and I are now looking at accommodation for the influx of singletons looking for marriage at the big Matchmaking Festival at Dell Fank this Spring . We are hoping to use the tea shop at Fivepenny as a bunk house if it hasn't been sold and Jock Troop's Dell garage should hold twenty easily. Otherwise it'll be two big marquees on the machair at Galson with a shuttle tractor service to the site. Donny Morrison is installing bench seats in the trailer of his tractors. Granny has suggested we could turn the fank's dipping tank into a hot tub or else fill it with gallons of her treacle beer which will guarantee everyone will be relaxed. For those coming from the mainland the men will travel on the Isle of Lewis whilst the women will come overnight on the Muirneag - a container is being fitted out for their convenience. They will be met by nominated chaperones handpicked by elders from Cross church so their references will be impeccable. Rene Zellwegger hasn't yet agreed to open the festival but it is only a question of time before she caves in under the pressure of bouquets from Donald. If you have a relative you want to put forward for the dating festival email us - no names needed just why they should receive a guaranteed place. Come on now don't be shy - everyone needs someone. Off to sheilings till weekend.

In an early attempt to steal a march on her rivals, Annie MacLeod of 27 Aird Dell has sent in a recipe to capture any man's heart. Starting in true Mrs Beaton style it begins, 'First catch your guga..and keep it a year in light diesel oil- if unavailable tractor paraffin will suffice. Drain the guga in a pale of water from the well and rub down with a strimmer as you would with Peking Crispy Duck. Put now clean bird in baking tray overnight on low heat in the Raeburn 1O0 degrees or three peats. The smell will now have cleared your house of mice and earwigs. Remove oil from top of pan in morning and fill tilley lamp with it. Bird should still be tough. Cut half into goujons and place under the grill and serve covered with crowdie. Remove reaminder and peg it out on the washing line. When it's dried out in the breeze see whose shoes need resoling the most in your family and the guga will do the job better than anything any cobbler on the mainland can provide. Wasn't intending to post anything till weekend but forgot to take spare undies to the sheiling for the week. Thank you Annie MacLeod. You've got a place. I'll be round for a strubag with the application forms on Saturday.

Agnes Ann Morrison of 'Duncroftin' Cross Skigersta has asked us. 'I am looking for love and the festival interests me. Although I'm married to Angie I don't think he'd notice if I wasn't there and I'd prefer someone who'd appreciate my homemaking skills. I can whip up a meal with a handful of winkles and some crowdie, can darn socks, mend lobster pots and am cheap to keep - two pinnies a year from JD's catalogue is all I ask. I am frugal - last year I walked the 27 miles to town to the dentist to save the tractor fare and walked back munching a turnip to harden my gums up. I can cut peats, worm lambs and sing waulking songs to sooth the most troubled breast. In short I'm at a crossroad and feel it is time to move on. I'm looking for a bodach who will talk to me over a meal of salt herring and won't be frightened of showing me off in public. I want a man to take me to concerts in town, to jig and strathspey with, a man with whom to share a cappucino in the library cafe. Will I find such a man at the Dell Fank?
From Calumannabel - you bet your seet wrinkled stockings you will. You're in!

Thanks for the email. Welcome aboard. Of course there are no geographical limits. Lurve is international and people of all colours and creeds are welcome to the Dating Extravaganza at Dell fank. We have bought a huge golden M on ebay from fast food restaurant in Pisa that didn't take off. Donald put his incapacity benefit towards it and it's on DJ MacLeod's artic next week. The golden M will stand for 'Matchmaking' and will be visible from North Galson to Cross Church.
The men are sober here cos the drink is watered down so they'll turn up soberish. They don't smell cos there's been a 2 for 1 offer on Brut 33 at Woolworths in Stornoway since 1968. They dont phone or text much as the reception is poor in Ness unless you're on Vodaphone. They send the dog home with a message if they are going to be late. Of course we all have our own teeth - how do you think we open bottles? As for spines you'll be amazed at some of the positions some of us old bodachs can get into. Assuming you're now tempted start posting some profiles and get this site moving. Let's have some fun with this.
Calumannabel and Donald who is out at the peats

Dear Sunny,
Donald has some old tide charts from his days as a cabin boy on the 'Vital Spark' and some phrase books for Skye, Benbecula, and Harris which will be handy along the way. Will you be available to pick up passengers along the way. That way it might cut down your costs. We have an Alistair in Ardvasar loking for a lift. His mother swears blind he doesn't smell and he rows like a Vilking apparently. Also there are four shepherds on The Shiants prepared to entertain you along the way - they have no electric but a fine set of dominoes and some ludo with some of the counters missing. They would happily tow you the last bit as they do have an outboard motor and a sixteen foot fishing boat. We are all excited at the prospect of you rowing into Stornoway and I hope to get my bagpipes out to welcome you on the quay. We thought Corrie Capers was a soap on ITV three times a week but then what were we to know what with our Calor gas radios and no televisions in this god forsaken tigh dhu of ours. Great to link up with Arran - we've got to see if there's any sign of life on Harris but maybe that's asking too much! Heroch singletons wherefore art thou?

Donald has been hitchiking around the Highlands on tweed vans and post buses and has persuaded the following to stock application forms for a coveted place at the Ness Matchmaking Festival next Spring ( no date announced yet but don't worry it'll not clash with any Communions.
FORMS CAN BE OBTAINED FROM THE FOLLOWING
Any MacLeods of Eoropie or LIpton's Shop: Alan Johns Deli at Lionel: 'I can't believe it's not Guga in Habost: South Dell PO: Pizza Hut Galson: KFC Borve:
Any Interflora shop in Lochs: B&Q Scalpay: Harry Ransden's Lochboisdale:
Aldi Oban: The Art Shop Lamlash: Waitrose in Drumnadrochit: Top Shop Kerrera: The Cotton Club Fair Isle: WH Samuel Iona: Jenners of Ullapool: Walmart branch at Digg: HMv Shop at Staffin. All stockists of Cremola Foam and Penny Dainties, all mobile fish vans in the Highlands and Islands plus any council offices. Souvenir shops and anyone selling shortbread have been omitted for obvious reasons - we don't want the sort of people that buy that sort of stuff turning up do we?
PLEASE RETURN FORMS ASAP WITH TWO TOKENS FROM ANY BAG OF LOFT PEAK FLOUR TO:
CALUMANNABEL 22 FOURPENNY PORT OF NESS

I am indebted to the excellent and seemingly well travelled Arnish Lighthouse for drawing my attention to the new airport near Callanish. Follow his Standing Stones item to the first photo which has a title 'Callanish Air' and you'll get a tantalising glimpse of the new site. I knew something was going on last Summer when I saw all the road rollers and noted that the old stone quarry at Breaasclete was busy again. I'm sure this development will rival anything BA or Eastern Airways can come up with - Bernera will be linked to Schipol before we know it. From the aerial view of the airport the parking looks better than that offered by its tired competitor at Stornoway. It's marvellous the way that the whole thing has been incorporated so seamlessly into the local topography - tammies off to the architect - obviously not Norm Foster. Anyway if this new Gravir Airport is anything like we'll be landing a jumbo full of Nova Scotian bodachs there and ferrying them to the Dell Fank for the Matchmaking Festival. I'd imagine they'll sail through customs by the open plan look of the site. Well done Callanish Air!

I know you'll be as excited as I am to know that Donald has designed this wee advert for the ticket outlets. You can print copies and give them to any likely singletons out there. Remember - no shortbread shops though.

REQUIRED FOR SPRING 2006 - TEMPORARY MATCHMAKER WHILE PRESENT INCUMBENT ON PATERNITY LEAVE (Scale 8 Review Pending)
-Must have previous experience of matchmaking or cattle market work.
-Must have London Rubber Company Certificate of Competence.
-Must have working knowledge of civil partnerships and be nuptially aware.
-Be in tune with the aims and objectives of matchmaking festivals
-Be accustomed to dealing with international franchises like MacDonalds ( of Shawbost) - Suppliers of Puffins to the Royal families of Europe; 'I cant believe it's not Guga' Habost, 'Maracs 'r' Us' branches worldwide as well as Strubacks Coffee Houses
-A knowledge of the Arran language

In return we provide:
Company tractor and attractive paraffin allowance.
North Star overalls
Air miles with Callanish Air and fare concessions.
Company tigh dhu with rights to a nearby well.
First pick of the talent!

Apply on lined paper purchased from Alan John's shop in Lionel to:
Sorley Temted
The Human Resources Department
The Acme Matchmaking Company
The Effie Murray Industrial Estate
South Dell
Isle of Lewis

This post is exempt under the Sex Discrimination Act in common with most of the attendees at these festivals

I notice with a degree of incredulity that no one is writing about anything at all from Harris. Now I know there's a computer in the CAB offices at Tarbert which suggests you have the electric. I'm sure it's not the only one. I expect MacBraynes and the Harris Tweed Gift Shop are also online. If anyone knows of anyone else in Harris with a computer who's not pulling their weight for island blogging let's name and shame them! There's no reason why we should flog our guts out organising a dating festival at the top end of Lewis and clogging the web up with banal trivia when there are bewildered and confused Herachs who could take the strain from off us.
Too busy in their swanky conservatories I suppose. Well let me tell you people of Harris there is more to life than Pilkington Glass and uPVC. Now get off your
well upholstered backsides and represent the south of Lewis which, after all, is what you are and tell is what's going on down your way.

From the start Donald and I both being progressive coves realised that we'd need to cater for the full spectrum of humanity at our Dating Extravanza in Spring 2006. We would hope that the new Matchmaker ( interviews pending ) would cope and one of the conditions in the advert for the said position ( see other page on site ) wa that the incumbernt would be 'nuptially aware'. We are constructing a wonderful arch in stone and breeze block as a 'civil partnership' altar. It will have garlands of flowers - if we can get into some of those fine Dell gardens - and be surrounded by decking - we are collecting pallets behind the Swainbost garage - all contributions received.
Yesterday debate raged on the 麻豆官网首页入口 Soap Box site for the landlocked and the registrar and great and good in Stornoway were pilloried for not allowing same sex marriages. Don't waorry Western Isles Council we will take the strain and they can marry at our festival - we'll even built a little protestors' paddock if people can give us an idea of the numbers likely to attend.
On a separate issue one intemperate correspondent from Dundee called these couples 'No better than paedophiles'. Couldn't quite see the simile but Dundonians are an odd lot or they were when I lived there.
Now we tried six paedophiles on the beach at Port of Ness last Summer but the tide was too strong for them.It didn't matter how hard the two of you peddled the paedophile kept being swept out to sea. They may work on Lake Geneva and the boating pond at Scarborough but the Minch is too tough for them. We have six for sale all in purple fibreglass should anyone want to make us an offer.
Hello to the islands inner and northern. Sunny you've gone quiet.
Condiments of the season
Calum Malaprop os of nothing

There is an ugly rumour going round that the Fank Catering Committee is responsible for the disappearance of the young penguin on the Isle of Wight.
One hundred percent wrong. We would only serve free range penguin to our patrons were we to serve it at all and this was patently a battery bird reared in intensive conditions.
It is doubtful whether we'd have time to salt it anyway given all the other Christmas festivities and let's face it seals have more flavour to them and you can get a set of luggage out of the leftovers.
Hope that sets the record straight and stops the tongues wagging.
I've a cold coming on so I'm going to spend the next few days under the nurse.

Doanld and I are packing our haversacks ready for the off. Over the years bit by bit we've taken stuff out to the shieling so that we have bunk beds, a calor gas stove and, when we take the legs out with us today, a complete table on which to put some touched to the plans for the Fank. On Christmas Day we usually play Jenga and Twister much to the annoyance of the nearby grouse. We are dining simply - crowdy wraps and Cremola Foam - Alan John found he still had a case of it in the Lionel shop - under the dungarees! So two days away from the hustle of bustle of Ness.
Pip pip and compliments of the season
Calumannabel and Donald

Yesterday, the 27th, Donald and I were having a snooze in the late morning when there was a knock on the sheiling door - unusual - as the sheiling is four miles from the main road. 'Parcel for Calumannabel' he shouted.
I answered the door . 'You're not going to make a habit of this are you?' A bedraggled Roddy John, the postie, stood there looking less than impressed as his van sank slowly into the peat bog.
The parcel was addressed to Calumannabel and Donald, Dell Shielings, Lewis.
It contained two mugs emblazoned with calumannabel's dating service, a packet of Garibaldis and a book callled ' Nice cup of tea and a sit down.' The whole thing was in a hamper marked 'Strewbacks Nuptial Hamper.' Well you could have knocked us down with a feather. So thank you anonymous cailleach whoever you are. There was also a letter for Donald. It was from someone called Frank Marshall in Ohio who has been following our site. He's offered us a batch of fluorescent jackets misprinted so they read FANK MARSHALL - exactly what we need for crowd control. Donald has borrowed his mother's winter fuel payment to pay for them - what dedication and they should be with us shortly. Photo of said garment on site as soon as they arrive. So we're flying going into the new year.
Mike at Blogging HQ has thrown some Jimmy Shand LP's into the sponsorship pot though if the 'Laird's Unplugged Session at Tillicoutry Locarno' is among them that'll be quietly slipped into my collection. Any other sponsorship offers gladly considered and advertising board round the perimeter fence will be offered soon. Full timetable in preparation to keep Sunny from Arran happy.
As for the offer of Dougie Donnelly coming to Ness - send him to Harris they still enjoy him every day on Radio Clyde down there.

As usual the Isles feature prominently in the Hogamanay Honours' List

Arise Lord CalumAnnabel for services to matrimonial extravanzas and being kind to animals.
Donald for services to cousinhood and for his outspoken stance on the breeze block in Highland construction projects.
Annie Bheag - Dame Commander for services to the Crowdie Industry and generally highlighting the finer aspects of Island cuisine.
Lady Sunny from Arran for charitable services in Fife and kindness to Steven the Penguin.
Donald John Morrison CBE for ( servicing ) sorry services to sheep in the Outer Isles.
Arnish Lighthouse MBE for services to flashing, raising the profile of Haris and for his PR work on the second airport at Gravir.
Dame Ellie of Auchenshuggle for charitable works and service washes in the Aucheshuggle Washhouse.
Lord Wilson of Wind Farm for services to large spectacle frames.
Back of Beyond CBE when we can find you.
Lord Mike of Bearsden for services to blogging and unstinting sponsorship to marginal activities in the Highlands and Islands.

Decorations to be given out Day 2 of the Dating Festival 12 noon prompt in the Cremola Suite Cross Inn Ness