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I have been awake since the first telephone call at six oclock this morning. As I explained to Chrissie Mary I have not been over the doorstep for two days as the gout has been bad after a spree on the old Ness cocktail - Cillit Bang and Cremola Foam. Apparently a number of eligible ladies in Ness have opened their porch doors this morning to find a St Velantine's day sheep's heart and a pail of blood covered with Cling Film. An accompanying note urges them to make a marac, submit it via a Box No to Cross PO and the maker of best marac wins some man's hand in marriage. Great idea - wish I'd thought of it - but it wasn't me. I don't know who this pail face with all the buckets is. Apart from the bucket under my bed we only have one other for washing the tractor and bringing in the peats. I would never use Cling Film as an old cloth always suffices - so it's some sophisticate who visits Stornoway regularly. Whoever it is has left a cloud of suspicion in the Ness air. We don't need this sort of thing. The Fanks was supposed to do away with the need for creative wimminfishin'.
PS Sunny. Donald says he thinks he loves you - he's had nothing to eat except half a herring nearly a week ago so I think he's got it bad this time!

I knew it - as soon as we got street lighting that would be it. I wondered how it would be paid for? Now we know. It's going to cost Aunt Ina to pick up her pension as Ness will become a congestion zone. We saw how easily they stuck the big windmills on us at Barvas. Next it'll be tolls booths on the Cross Skigersta road. I am starting a petition on the issue and with the help of fellow bloggers hipe to have 1/2million signatures by teatime tomorrow. Look out Tony Blair Ness is on the march...

Chrissie Mary Morrison (40) ( now there's a laugh) yesterday became the first woman in the W Isles to be fined for using a mobile phone while driving. She had borrowed her brother Murdo's invalid scooter to go to emporioalanjohn's for a few messages - moisturiser, cillit bang, bottle of Glen's, and a packet of large Rizlas-and was on the phone to Annie B who was telling her about some wild dream that she's had after eating a tin of out of date tinned mushrooms bought from alanjohn's the previous day.
PC's Fergus MacNab and Willie John Morrison were parked in the layby by William Hill's in Skigersta, saw Chrissie Mary and gave chase on their tandem.
Chrissie Mary, so fed up of being chased by men, did not stop when requested so as well as the 拢60 fine she is up at Stornoway Sherriff Court on Friday for resisiting arrest. The case will be fully covered in Feos and the Stornoway Gazette and a completely inaccurate account will appear next to the Shinty section in the Free Press.

Girls - Unstitch the underwear that you were sewn into in September.
Put some flowers around that church hat.
Lift the hems on your apron and flash those knees above the wellingtons.

IT'S SPRINGTIME when a young man's thoughts turn to peat cutting, tattie planting and someone other than his mother doing his washing.
This year despite MAFF's protests about the movement of wild women and unruly men about the islands, we have provided assurances that, as with last year, the Fank at South Dell will be a safe space in which like minded folk can pair off. The site has recently been disinfected and some metal road is being brought from Cumbria as soon as the Virgin train people have finished with it.

It is time to elect a committee. Donald has already bagged the treasurer's job but all other positions are up for grabs. If you want to be a Fank Committee Member or you have a spare singleton in your family who is frankly an embarassment to you, now is the time to nominate him or her for inclusion in this the furthest dating festival in the north west of the Common Market.

Think Fank think virtual Lisdoonvarna - our mission statement for 2007
We are open to any suggestions for activities to occupy that memorable first day of April 07 and rememember the words of the man himself, Burns
'Those that mingle will ne'er be single.'