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A minibus full of social workers arrived at Chrissie Mary's this morning to investigate reports that her nephew who is seven years of age is tipping the scales at 15stones. 'He's a good healthy lad and we're no afeard of him gettin ' blown off the cliffs at Skigersta' was her reply to these townie busybodies. However the social workers were not impressed with his diet of Rola Cola and Paris Buns upon which his eleven siblings seem to thrive.
Chrissie Mary is now on the lokout for an exercise bicycle and and a trampoline in the charity shop in Lionel for the boy ( to buy not to part exchange him) . If anyone can help please contact us.
For the overweight over 16's out there, fear not, there is no need for a trampoline - you may find a partner to bounce up and down on at Fank 07.

In order to earn your stripes on IB, it seems almost compulsory to have a cat. In 18 months of bewildered blogging I have never mentioned my feline credentials and thank the Lord nor has Annie B. We have an eighteen year old cat in fine fettle called Silky, an eight year old 'Torty' called Portia and Handel who half lives with us - he eats as much as he can for a fiver then b*s off. He was wild but we trapped him, had his 'pockets picked' 拢375 and he's calmed down. We have a visitor who eats on our shed roof, Tabby Daisy' and she used to be joined by Trevor Preston ( great name for a cat) who got run over - or as we prefer to say went ' marching for cheeses' with all the mice he'd killed. Next door there are Sid and Saunders. Saunders is blind and epileptic after being attaked by a dog and Sid is his minder. On the other side is Ambrose- as ginger as Gordon Strachan - in fact you never see the two of them together. So, there you are - we never need to switch on the central heating - we just put another cat on the bed. Oh and in the last week another one has taken up residence in the shed- we call him Atkins not because he's on the diet but because that's his colour. He sleeps on an old cashmere Pashmina - posh or what! We also had a bullfrog in the kitchen amusing them all the other evening but that's another story.

Chrissie Mary has been persuaded to give a talk at this year's fank. The secrets of her longstanding beauty have long been the subject of debate the length and breadth of Ness. Often she finds people rifling through her bins looking for evidence of beauty products. Alanjohn is often quizzed as to what soap she buys. The woman is an enigma. Now for the first time ever she is going to let everyone in on her secrets, why she is so often to be found on the foreshore at high tide, why all the discarded syringes behind the hen house ? All will be revealed. This is sure to sell out and there are only six places as the event is being held in the Dell bus shelter. There will be no photography allowed as CM is bringing out a total fitness and beauty DVD after the Fank.
Act now to avoid disappointment

At Stornoway Sherriff Court this morning Chrissie Mary Morrison was sentenced to 120 hours Community service for resisting arrest in Ness last week. She was sentenced to a tagging order to start with but PC Angus MacNab had to go back before the court to announce that Chrissie Mary could not get her wellington boots over the tagging device secured to her ankle.
Naomi Cambell 31 a part time model and barperson from Lemreway had earlier pleaded guilty to stealing two black puddings from Charlie Barleys and a Concordance from the Church of Scotland Bookshop. Sheriff Sorley Morley MacAulay, a first cousin to the two defendants, professed his horror at the offences and crossed the two women from his Christmas card list. The two will serve their punishment by cleaning the floors in the Sanitation Dept of the Lewis Hospital. Chrissie Mary supplied a note of support from her former Sunday school teacher, Ishbel Mary Maclennan but told the court her sister Moira should have been there to give a character reference but was away performing bridesmaid duties on the mainland for her friend, Elizabeth Hurley.
Chrissie Mary asked if she could pay her legal costs over 38 weeks and asked if she could be given a payment card so someone could collect it each week. the court reluctantly agreed. Full report in this Weeks Gazette and Hello magazine.

As you are no doubt aware, recently this site has been unreliable for posting information so Donald and I have had to make some adjustments to the arrangements for the Fank 07. Since we have not been able to post invitations on the web, we have had to use the database of those who attended last year's event. We had of course over 10000 of the most desparate and bewildered singletons in the Christian world at last years dating festival and this number put a strain on Galson Motors' coach fleet and the chemical toilet on site. The villagers in Aird Dell were beseiged by folk wanting to use their toilet facilities and are only just talking to Donald and I again.
Donald had the idea that this being the Chinese year of the Pig that, by way of a nod in this direction, we shall only invite the ugliest of 5000 of last year's delegates. We have spent several days poring over photos so if you haven't been contacted you aint ugly enough. Sorry Sunny, B of B et al but you are just too too handsome. You can of course attend as Fank Marshalls.
Due to the ugliness of the delegates Friday night's introductory ceilidh with the Three Macs will be a masked ball - emporio alanjohn's mask department is fully stocked.
There will be a free makeover for every delegate - details in the information pack and Chrissie Mary will be giving lectures on self esteem and the criminal justice system. Gulls Aloud and the Callanish Stones will once again provide the music on the Saturday night and the Free Churches in Dell and the Continuing Church in Cross will be open all weekend to handle any weddings.
The event catering and overall sponsorship comes from the Scottish Arts Council, I Can't Believe it's Not Guga plc Habost and Amec windfarms.
Annie B will be on the site throughout to photograph and comment on this cavalcade of amorous dysfunction.
God bless you all.
Calum

1 Don't wave at the church buses as they pass. It will only attract the attention of the passengers and divert them from worship.
2 Don't take your masks off during daylight.
3 Respect the tractor drivers who have given up their day to help.
4 Don't be pushy - it'll not get you fixed up.
5 Don't tell your partner lies. Chrissie Mary thought she'd landed Bill Gates this time last year.
6 Remember a partner is for life not just for Easter.
7 'It is better to have lived and loved than to never have loved at all 'Kenneth McKellar.
8 No naked swimming in Port of Ness Harbour.
9 Careful where you put your guga bones after the barbecue

That's enough Ed